Thursday, November 26, 2020

Filled with Gratitude After Being Stopped in my Tracks

 

Today is Thanksgiving, and it is also my 48th birthday.  I am thankful to be alive, to have my two cats and my husband.  I am grateful for my friends and family who sent me messages and texts throughout my illness.  I say thank you for the prayers, and all of the love expressed.  As the Christian year has entered into a time of Holy Darkness, and the calendar year 2020 comes to an end,  I am grateful for Allan's and my new home in the country.  My heart fills with an appreciation for the time Allan spent planting, building, and putting things together to bring beauty and comfort to it.  Allan sacrificed a planned butterfly trip to Texas and adjusted his work schedule to care for me during my illness.   There were just so many unknowns.  

On the evening of October 23rd, I found myself at urgent care because of excruciating pain.  Next came the emergency room on the morning of October 24th.  The throbbing in my legs continued to worsen.  The steroid and morphine shots were given at the ER relieved the pain somewhat.  The urgent care ruled out the flu and COVID, for which I was grateful.  However, this meant that the pain I experienced resulted from an unknown illness.  The virus persisted, confining me to bed.   I could barely walk, sit, or stand-up.  No matter what I did, pain shot through my legs.  I survived on steroids and muscle relaxants, barely making it from one dosage to the next.  During that first week, I could see no end in sight.  More tests done at my doctor's office revealed nothing.  

The steroid regimen reached its competition by the following Friday.  The excruciating pain continued, and extra-strength Tylenol provided me with respite allowing me to sleep.  However, before I would stop counting down the hours and minutes until the next pill, it would be several more days.  After ten days of being in bed, I started to sit-up and moved around some. The pain disappeared, leaving me exhausted. Only this past week have I been able to resume my outside walks, with my best day being a little over 7000 steps.  I feel ever so grateful for my physical health.  I cannot imagine what it is like to live with chronic pain every single day of one's life.  Some days, I wondered if I could even survive until the next day.  I never received any specific diagnosis.  Whatever caused the pain has been described only as an unknown virus.    


This excruciating pain stopped me dead in my tracks, clearing my calendar. I could not even sit up at my computer for virtual meetings.  As I have gained strength, having an empty calendar brought unexpected freedom.  Lying in bed revealed places where priorities to be changed.  Having time to reflect on 2020 has opened my heart and mind to new possibilities in 2021.  As the sunsets on activities and relationships needing to be set free, I enter the unknown not in fear but excited for a new birth.

Where are the seeds germinating in your heart and mind?  What desert are you crossing?