Living into my suffering; Allowing and Accepting Change

I have pondered these phrases many times over the past two and an half years as at times change has come too quickly and at other times too slowly.  Living into my suffering, a phrase first used by a dear friend of mine after my daughter abruptly moved out has helped me not  touse my suffering as my identity.  My bipolar disorder nor estranged daughter nor my addictions of overeating and overspending are not who I am.  When I live into my suffering I allow Jesus to walk with me and at times to carry  me so as to continue to the journey instead of letting the pain take over and keep me from missing out on the joys of the present moment.

As I trust Jesus to help me to not allow the pain or the challenge or the fear to take over; it also means letting things be what they  are instead of rushing to let them go and shut them out.  It would be much easier for me to block my daughter living in New Zealand or denying my illness or pretending my addictions don't exist.  When I don't allow things to be I rush into relationships and made rash decisions to compensate for my fear of the unknown.  However, when we run, healing cannot come, Jesus is the healer not us, we can allow things to be and  trust Him.  Now this trust thing is easier said than done because the more you allow Jesus to heal you; the more things that you never imagined can become a reality.  Jesus always wants what is best for us and even when we stray leads us back.

As I live into my suffering and allow things to be I must also accept change whether it comes too fast or too slow.  Change seemed too slow when I was waiting to find out about graduate school and now it is going too fast as I find myself in my last year of course work.  It came too fast this summer as some good friends moved away and now as I try to make new friends and try new things it comes too slow.  Change seems slow now as circumstances have changed in my work and I am not sure what the next thing is in terms of vocation and call.

There is no way around it; change is hard whether is good, bad or in between.  Even when it brings freedom, it comes with fear.  After being at a Methodist Church for eight years, my husband and I have recently joined the Episcopal church in our community after over six months of prayerful discernment.  While it is right; it is still scary as I adjust to new people and new ways of doing things.

Suffering, allowing and changing are all apart of life.  I find myself realizing that this is challenge that these three are never going to cease to exist.  I cannot let pride my and my old habits to lead me a stray otherwise I miss out the small simple joys that happen even in the midst of tough circumstances.    I find myself in a place of humility acknowledging that only by the grace of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ can I live day by day.  When I let this relationship go, I become trapped in web of fear and uncertainty that often immobilizes.  When I create space for Jesus by allowing his love to permeate me and then  loving Him by spending time with Him in prayer, study and worship, then and only then can I face whatever the day brings.  I can chase after things to numb the pain but it only leads to more and more pain and a deeper needs that cannot be satisfied.  After forty-four years of living I do not claim to have it all figured out.  In fact, if anything there are more questions and more mysteries.  However, I do know when it comes right down to it that trusting Jesus is the only way I cannot put my trust in a house, or in chocolate cake or in a job or in friend or in a new phone because they eventually will pass away.

May the Grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you today.  May you find Him wherever you are at and simply have the faith to cry, Help Me, even if you have never prayed before or you have let your faith go by the way side.  Jesus is always ready to meet us where we are at.

"Nebraska" - The Spiritual Thread I observed

I recently watched the movie, “Nebraska”, with my husband.  I observed God in this movie in one of the sons, David, who continually listened to and persevered with his father.  David does not allow his father to be ridiculed or made fun of in any way. Like God, David would drop everything for his father. At two different places in the movie, David receives a phone call regarding his father and drops everything to help his dad.  When David realizes his dad is missing, he drives around and when he sees he picks him up.  He continually pays attention to his dad even when his mother and other brother are tired of listening to him.  David asks his dad questions and listens to the answers. 

When David gets into the car with his father to drive to Nebraska; David moves beyond normal capacity and offers unconditional love.  I saw God in David gaining a deeper understanding of his father as they traveled.  David learned more of his dad’s story during their time on the road.   This is what God does for us in ways beyond our imagination.  I noticed an unconventional grace as David accompanied his father in some cases neither condoning nor condemning his actions.  I thought about how God offers each of us a unique grace.  God offers the grace that is appropriate for our story, our weaknesses and our desires.  She comes after us when we runaway always offering us love in all situations.

I saw God in how David allowed his father to drive down the main street in his hometown one more time.  It reminds me of the many ways God has redeemed my losses through one more chance or one more opportunity to speak to someone or to go somewhere.  God gives us many more chances than we deserve and is patient beyond our comprehension. 

While it was not always spoken in love the way God wants it, I saw God in the truths revealed. As I watched, various truths about David’s father behavior some good and some bad coming to light, it caused me to think about how God gives us only what we can handle and that she wants the truth revealed.  It was necessary for David to know the truth about his father’s actions both good and bad so he could better understand and therefore love his father more.  In a similar fashion as our love for God grows deeper, she reveals her truth in a greater, deeper fashion.

Another way I saw God throughout this movie, is in how David was always honest with his dad about what he could do.  David never promised anything that he could not deliver.  God keeps her promises and does not promise anything that she will not do.  David did not constantly remind his dad of his failures.  God forgives and then forgets like David she keeps coming back to pick us up at the side of the road. 

Lastly, I observed God in this movie through David’s changing perspective.  David initially wanted to take this trip so his dad would shut up about wanting to go but as the movie continued David demonstrated gratitude for the time he spent with his father.  God does the same thing for us when we are open; she offers us the chance to have a new perspective about even the worst situations in our lives.

This movie constantly reminded me of the transcending power of God’s love.  Her love knows no bounds and even the craziest situations can be used for the greater good.

Sacred Rhythms of Life: Entering a New Season

In my seasons calendar  of Celtic and Christian  Spirituality; it is the season of perplexity and spiritual survival known as Lugasadh and Lammas.  This coming Sunday will be the 11th Sunday after Pentecost or ordinary time on the Liturgical Calendar of the Church.  For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere while it might be hot and humid; the days are getting shorter and Autumn is on its way.  The seasons of nature and of spirituality remind us that there are sacred rhythms to life - times when our work and creativity will flourish and times when we are to listen and rest.  

Over the past months I have been in a season of perplexity and spiritual survival; wondering where God is? and why is my daughter gone?  In many ways I feel robbed and cheated of a season I long anticipated; a time of celebrating her graduating from high school and a time of anticipation as we took her to college and a new life emerged for all of us.  

Instead what has emerged is a season of self-care, of discernment and extra time with Allan. Allan and I have seen two waterfalls on the Natchez Trace Parkway and completed a Crazy Digital of Downtown Memphis.  I am eating more whole foods, taking more Yoga classes and trying new classes such Tabata. My discernment time has included discussions with friends; spiritual reading, prayer along with more silence and solitude. As I wrestle with my spiritual practices; living with the Divine Mystery and beginning again; I find myself in a new and unknown place.  A time of preparation has emerged as an opportunity for me to take a pilgrimage has occurred coinciding with my finishing my spiritual direction training program and preparing for a new ministry.  

Less than the month from now; I will spend a little over two weeks making a journey to friends and family; to familiar and unfamiliar places and to new experiences with God.  Part of the time I will spend in Cape May, NJ at the Sacred Rhythms Writing Retreat: Bringing Yoga, Dance, and Monastic Wisdom to Your Writing Practice. 

I will also be spending two nights in a hermitage on the property of the Franciscan Spirituality Center in Aston, PA.  

This will be a season of discernment as I will finish my spiritual direction certificate program through Perkins School of Theology the end of October and then begin my Master's in Spirituality through Oblate School of Theology as an online program in January. 

 What season are you in?  Where are you being called to journey?  

Here are a few websites on pilgrimage and seasons: 

http://www.religion-online.org/showarticle.asp?title=3526

http://www.umc.org/who-we-are/seven-sites-every-united-methodist-should-see

http://www.thechristiancalendar.com/

http://abbeyofthearts.com/classes/

http://www.contemplativemind.org/practices/tree

http://www.mysticchrist.co.uk/blog/post/wheel_of_the_year_calendar

Ecclesiastes 3 New Century Version (NCV)

There Is a Time for Everything

 There is a time for everything,
    and everything on earth has its special season.
2 There is a time to be born
    and a time to die.
There is a time to plant
    and a time to pull up plants.
3 There is a time to kill
    and a time to heal.
There is a time to destroy
    and a time to build.
4 There is a time to cry
    and a time to laugh.
There is a time to be sad
    and a time to dance.
5 There is a time to throw away stones
    and a time to gather them.
There is a time to hug
    and a time not to hug.
6 There is a time to look for something
    and a time to stop looking for it.
There is a time to keep things
    and a time to throw things away.
7 There is a time to tear apart
    and a time to sew together.
There is a time to be silent
    and a time to speak.
8 There is a time to love
    and a time to hate.
There is a time for war
    and a time for peace.

Hearing Jesus' Call:Let Go and Follow me.

Several weeks ago, during a class, our teacher talked about Ignatian Prayer Method in which you read a Bible Story and then use your imagination to visualize the story.  In visualizing the story; you are asked to think about where you see yourself in the story.  In my class, the story, which we read was the story of the Jesus' healing of the blind man, Bartimaeus.  As I imagined the story; I saw myself as the blind person except that I was not physically blind but I was blinded by other people's opinions and my own desires for acceptance.  As I saw myself sitting on the side of the road;  I heard Jesus telling me that I am his beloved and that I need to get up off the side of the road and stop worrying about other people and stuff.  Jesus has commanded me to get up and follow him.  Following him is not sitting by the side of the road and just watching everything go by but rather it is focusing on Jesus and letting him lead.  Over the past several weeks over and over again, I have heard Jesus saying to me; be not afraid; be courageous and it is okay to take risks.  Following Jesus is not always logical nor practical but He will equip us.  Is this easy?  No, it is not but I get less distracted and know more peace when I focus on Jesus by spending time with Him in silence and letting the fruit of my silence guide me instead of public opinion.

During the same weekend of this class; I heard a sermon about claiming the call of our baptism and living our lives as a beloved child of God.  I then heard a sermon about how all people are called and that call is about following Jesus not just about being a pastor or a missionary.  The third sermon I heard on call was on Hebrews 11.  This sermon reminded me about how God does not call people because they are already perfect but He equips those whom he calls like Abraham, Sarah, Rah ab, Ruth, David, Mary and many others throughout history.  The 4th sermon I heard on call talked about how we are all in this following Jesus thing together; there are not two classes of people; clergy and lay. The church is all of together  affirming and supporting one another.  Part of call is about God shaking things up. Throughout scripture;  it talks about God shaking up the earth and the heavens; about creating a new heaven and a new earth.  So call is about how are we going to follow Jesus and be apart of God's shaking up. The word call and its various forms are mentioned over 800 times in scripture so we know that naming, listening,claiming and following are an important of our Christian life.

So now you are probably wondering have any I reached any definitive answer?  No, I have not; I have some inklings and have had some paths affirmed but I am still wrestling with what Jesus' call for me is. For some reason the call of  Jesus seems so much simpler in scripture; I mean Peter and Andrew just put down their nets and followed Jesus. They didn't explore their options or check out seminaries. However, perhaps it is that simple; let go and follow Jesus. 

God is the Mixing of the Colors

This past weekend in a class I attended; we were given the assignment of thinking and writing about our image of God.  At first I struggled with trying to come up with an image.  At first I only thought of ideas; God as presence or God is mystery.  I thought of God in my books but that didn't seemed to fit because my books are something that leads me to God not necessarily an image of God.  God can be presence and mystery but again those are words that represent the indescribable and the unexplained.  So then I realized the question for me was;  where is God most alive in my life right now; what draws me closer and fuels this relationship.
So after a little less than 24 hours; it hit me; my art is where God is  most alive.  Yet God somehow wasn't the art and later as I meditated; it came to me; God is in the mixing of the colors because it is in the mixing of the colors I experience God's creation anew.  However; my image of God was still not done; it was going to change one more time as I wrote it down.  When I finished writing; I read what I wrote and instead of saying God is in the mixing of the colors; I had written God is the mixing of the colors.
  As I pondered this; I realized that this image fit for this season of my life.  As someone who has had no formal training in art; all of my art represents God's work within me.  Therefore; since I do not use any formulas nor are the colors ever same;  God is the mixing of the colors because the mixing of the colors is always a new creation.  The possibilities God offers are endless.  They are fresh each and everyday.  As it says in Lamentations; "his mercies are new every morning and they never fail," God is the mixing of colors; always calling forth a new creation within us.
Where is God most alive in your life right now; what image cries out to you?  

"No one is climbing the spiritual improvement ladder" -Nadia Bolz-Weber. Do I really want to be made new?

As  I sat  reading Nadia Bolz-Weber's latest book, Pastrix: the Cranky, beautiful faith of a Sinner & Saint; this quote hit me right between the eyes.  I thought about a conversation recently when I expressed an opinion in a way that others saw as judgmental and self-righteous but when I thought about it; I realized that what I  said really was about my own loneliness and frustration not even about the issue at hand.  But at the bottom of my own loneliness and frustration is my trying to do stuff in my own strength.  I have become too focused on the "spiritual improvement ladder" ; rather than focusing on being made anew in Jesus Christ.

Weber further states, "We die and are made new, but that's different from spiritual self-improvement." Dying and being made new are God's work not  us trying in our own strength trying to become  super Christian.
So then the question becomes, Do I really want to be made new? and the answer is yes and no.

No, because being made new means admitting that I am broken and yes because I am tired of being broken.  Yet, believe it or not somehow I have become proud of my brokenness.  Instead of letting God heal my loneliness and insecurity;  I often wear it as a badge of honor, because in the short-term it lessens the pain.  It seems easier to wear the badge of honor that reads, I love not belonging and not being understood. In the long-term it only creates more barriers; because it hurts my relationship with God and then I miss out on learning from others because I am so focused on self-preservation.

So today, I confess and I say God, forgive my foolish and selfish pride that lets me think I am making spiritual progress but instead I am becoming more dead and less alive.  Help me to focus less on being understood but rather on understanding and loving others following your example.  In Jesus' Name Amen.

Learn more about Nadia be by reading her blog, http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nadiabolzweber/